Night Of The Living Self Insert
by Ratt9
Summary: Rabid OCs and fangirls have taken over the Kira investigation headquarters, and L and Light are the targets. Can they survive a fangirl apocalypse? Explores the many different types of Mary-Sue that are found in the Death Note fandom.
1. Prologue

_**Journal Entry One:**_

This is Light Yagami, and I'm keeping a record of what is happening just in case I don't make it out of this alive. Unfortunately, I'm not very sure what "this" is, exactly. It reminds me somewhat of a zombie apocalypse, but that would be ridiculous.

L and I are currently locked inside one of the bedrooms in the Kira investigation headquarters. We locked ourselves in, I mean. It's a mess out there, but I don't think that those creatures will manage to get through the reinforced locks on these doors.

What happened, exactly?

Well, as I said before, neither of us (meaning L and I) completely understand the situation past the fact that the entire headquarters has been ambushed and overrun by rabid, insane humanoids who seem to have the unnatural ability to lock on to us like tracking missiles.

Judging by their characteristics, I would have to say that my best guess is that they are Mary-Sues.

Otherwise Known As: Rabid Fangirls. Self-inserts. OCs.

_(Rapists.)_

There are swarms of them, everywhere we turn. And they literally came out of _nowhere_.

Ryuzaki and I have been running from them all morning, and we only managed to escape because of Ryuzaki's intimate knowledge of the building's structure. The rest of the task force, I think, weren't quite so lucky. We haven't seen them in hours.

Although we were able to escape into this room by taking a few hidden shortcuts, the ever-present scratching sounds on the door is proof that the rabid creatures are still clawing madly against the barrier. Ryuzaki keeps glancing outside. I can tell he's nervous about the window, even though we're all the way up on the seventh floor and the glass is almost impossible to break.

_(_I'm a little bit nervous about it, too._)_

Ryuzaki is annoyed with me for writing this rather than helping him to barricade the doorway. It sounds like the rapists are beginning to shred through the thick wood of the door.

_(_Damn, now I've freaked myself out by imagining what viciously-long nails they all must have._)_

Holy hell, I think I saw the skirt of the bed move. I certainly hope no one is under the bed, or else Ryuzaki and I are going to be screwed.

_(_I mean that literally. Earlier, some of the rabid fangirls were trying to force us to have sex with each other._)_

If this is the last entry in this journal, it means L and I are dead.

Let's hope this isn't the last entry.

-Light Yagami

This is just sort of the pilot chapter, describing the situation and introducing what's going on. The rest of the chapters will be longer than this, and each new chapter will be a case study (written from either L or Light's perspective) on each different type of Mary-Sue out there. Thanks goes to Nix for suggesting the idea of a fangirl apocalypse...last year. ^ ^; Better late than never, though.

Hope you enjoyed! Thank you for reading, and I would appreciate it very much if you left a review!

~Ratt Kazamata, 2-01-2012


	2. Fangirl: The LxLight Fan

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**. . . . . . **

**The LxLight Fan**

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><p><em>You were laying on the carpet like you're satin in a coffin<em>

_You said, "Do you believe what you're saying?"_

_Yeah, right now, but not that often_

_Are you dead or are you sleeping?_

_Are you dead or are you sleeping?_

_Are you dead or are you sleeping?_

_God, I sure hope you are dead._

**~ "Satin In A Coffin", Modest Mouse**

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><p><em><strong>Journal Entry Two:<strong>_

It's Light again.

Lucky, lucky, lucky. We are so lucky.

No, actually, we're not.

But we actually very much are.

It all depends upon your personal perspective on the situation.

My perspective?

Well, what else can I say? Holy hell, I thought I was going to die. Or at least find myself with Ryuzaki's penis up my ass.

Speaking of Ryuzaki, I don't know if he's alive right now. I mean, he's right here in the room with me but he's been lying still on the bed for a few hours now, and really hasn't moved much. Or, at all.

But he's better off than our guest here. I sure as hell hope she's not alive, but you know Ryuzaki's current state and I definitely don't want to be the one to have to check for life. Quite simply, she's a fangirl.

Forget the girls still clawing at our bedroom door; this girl was hiding under the bed. She emerged hand-first—like something from a cheesy horror film—grabbed the handcuff chain and squealed, "_EEEEEEEH YOU TWO ARE SO TOTALLY CUTE TOGETHER!"_

And that's when she grabbed the hem of my jeans and stripped them off of me. In what I assume was an attempt to save me, or himself

_(_or both_)_,

Ryuzaki swung his legs up to kick the crazy female in the freaking face.

L, however—due to the fact that the yaoi fan was holding on to the chain—fell short of hitting her head and instead only managed to clip her in the gut. She folded over, still maintaining her grip on the chain, but let herself fall forward onto me.

Now, do not question my balance, but this girl somehow caught me off-guard and made me topple back over onto the bed.

_(_NOT. BY. CHOICE. MIND. YOU._)_

So, yes, she was lying on my chest. Was. _Was_.

Somehow—and I really don't know how—the next thing I became aware of was that L was lying on top of me, instead.

Wait.

_Wait_.

First of all (and not actually the point), I am _NOT _an uke.

Second.

What the hell kind of a person likes the thought of two men on top of each other? If this wasn't immensely creepy enough, she was forcing L's head down to press his lips against my own.

"AWWWWWEHHH, THEY'RE _KISSING_," she squealed, with what surely could have only been glee.

Have you ever seen L look freaked out, besides the time that he flipped about hearing the word "_Shinigami_?"

Well. You should have seen him now. Eyes were wide, and he was breathing heavily. His breath kind of stank. He didn't taste very good, either. I mean, sugar. Lots and lots of sugar. Just, eew.

_(_I really hate sugar._)_

Finally, once we were both pantless and sweaty, L and I went into panic-mode and together toppled the girl over. She whacked her head against the ground and was knocked out. Or died. I really don't know. L immediately flopped down on the bed and covered his face with an arm flung over his face. That was a few hours ago.

Shit, the scratching on the door is getti

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><p><span>I must first say that I have absolutely nothing at all against L x Light, or anything against any variation of the multiple yaoi pairings found in Death Note. But, I figured that this chapter had to be done one way or another.<span>

Well, it looks like the fangirls have broken into the building, finally. I'm thinking that the next chapter will focus around a type of Mary-Sue—the "Action Hero". Meanwhile, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and please review! Reviewing is fun, yes?

~Ratt Kazamata, 2/24/2012


	3. Sue: The Action Hero

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**The Action Hero, Mary-Susan**

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><p><em>She's a backseat driver, a drama provider<em>

_An instant update of the world_

_She's a first class liar, a constant forgetter_

_She's attractive, but bitter—_

_She's a lady, and ladies shouldn't be messed with._

**~ "She's A Lady", Forever The Sickest Kids**

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><p><em><strong>Journal Entry Three:<strong>_

Light again.

I don't know where Ryuzaki is, and that's a problem. The handcuff chain was snapped in all of the commotion earlier. With our luck (which, in case you haven't already figured this out, isn't the good sort of luck), he's probably busy being raped somewhere. Obviously, I don't know where.

You know, sometimes I really wish I actually _was_ Kira. Then, I'd be able to kill off all of these people and life would be good and normal-ish again.

So, what happened?

Well. What _didn't _happen?

So, the door was finally broken down by the Hoard, and fangirls and OCs poured into the room in a riotous fashion. They began climbing on top of us and started arguing some bullshit about which one of them we loved the most.

_(_Far from it; we don't actually love—or even mildly like—any of them._)_

Just as we were being dragged under, I saw it happen. A girl swung like Tarzan from a rope on the outside of the building and somehow managed to break through the shatter-proof glass window, karate-chopped some of the Hoard to free us, and grabbed the handcuff chain. She also started whacking people with a shovel.

"My name is Mary-Susan!" she shouted over the Hoard's massively loud screams. "I'm an ass-kicking bitch, your savior, your soon-to-be lover, and your dirty laundry cleaner! I've been running from the police for some time now, because you think that I'm Kira even though you don't actually know me! But, because I'm in love with you and the fact that you accuse me of mass genocide, I'm not going to let you get raped! Aren't you happy to see me?"

"Who the fuck is this lady?" I asked L. But before he could even reply, Mary-Susan had flung both of us out the broken window.

So we were falling, falling to our deaths

_(_induced by an insane girl with a shovel_)_,

but then the unexpected happened.

We were caught, mid-fall, by Mary-Susan, once again swinging like Tarzan from a rope. Magically we didn't die, and actually landed quite softly on the ground.

That's when I realized that "we" weren't safe.

Ryuzaki wasn't on the other end of the chain. Instead, Mary-Susan had the handcuff chain tied around her waist. While I was staring at her in horror—mainly at the prospect of Ryuzaki being raped by millions of fangirls—she started running again, dragging me along.

Breaking the laws of physics, we leapt over a huge truck driving along the busy Tokyo street, and we are now hanging out in a park. I'm about to try to get some sleep above ground on a branch in a tree.

_(_O, my shattered dignity, for you I lugubriously mourn._)_

I don't think Mary-Susan is going to try anything—at least, not tonight. She's currently asleep on the ground.

Ryuzaki, wherever you are, I guess it's kind of my obligation to rescue you.

_(_But that can wait until the morning._)_

-Light Yagami

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><p><span>Alright, this is getting more fun to write. What do you all think of Mary-Susan? Have any of you ever readwritten a fic with a Mary-Susan for an OC? Tell me! Reviewing gives instant good karma. Hope you enjoyed!

~Ratt Kazamata, 2/26/2012


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